Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
