dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
