Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
