Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
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You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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