Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
