Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.