she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can text with my tongue
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.