made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed