Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.