just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
