This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
