Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
