Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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