I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
