i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
