my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
