There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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