Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
