Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
me + whiskey = a bad person
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
