i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
this will be a night to untag.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
