There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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