Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
