i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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