i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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