my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
