Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
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I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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