I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just had sex on a roof
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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