it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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