Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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