Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
