Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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