My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
