i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
