I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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