Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My feet surprised me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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