Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
