Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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