The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
