Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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