hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
