What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is classic penis vs brain.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
