Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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