Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
