so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
