I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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