uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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