this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
