Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
