For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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