Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
