We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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