Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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