Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
