Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
