It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His hands were made for my vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
