Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
