My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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