If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
