from now on my penis is your penis
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
