woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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