fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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