DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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