btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the room spins SO much faster in panama
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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