Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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