we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
